From the Office of the Assistant Manager

August 6th, 2020

Welcome to:

The Cade Room

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is-

CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADEN YOUNG!

Dear ladies, gentleman, and devious miscreants in attendance at Proving Grounds who we'll call gladiators. When I first came across a St. Lauren varsity jacket, my mind immediately went to dreams of me wearing it as a flex while competing for the top belt of my employer, off the sheer merit of my own ability, strength, and jaw-dropping looks. Instead, I am presented with an opportunity to have a walking embodiment of a mullet come and mouth breathe on it. I felt confused when I lost - because it sucked, but there's a weird sense of pride knowing there are guys here capable of putting me down if I get caught off guard. Fucking bit, felt kinda proud though, til I skim a paper on Rock's desk and see my second act as a staff member is beating the layer of dorito dust of this dude's chin. Dude shouldn't be getting kicked by the young god, aka young reezy, aka the time skipper, he should be working with Trevor to help Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles get rich enough to retire. I always try my damnest to ball like Jordan, but what's beating this white Dennis Rodman's face in gotta do with it?? I don't care if this is to jump start his music career, I'm gonna' give him the fight he needs to get going. (besides, his music career's fine, they played White Iverson everywhere.)

pictured:



Lil Petey's enjoying his main hustle.

I'll be the last person to call someone out for having other hustles, I've got quite a few. Bills gotta get paid, bottle girls need to buy more bottles, and if I'm partying and can feel my heart beating, I'm not partying hard enough. Cash rules everything around me - but if you're gonna have a side hustle, be like me. Be a master of all things. Take control and own every aspect of what you do, as if it's a representation of who you are. Put aside 2004's air force ones and get a grown man's swag. Get a respectful grown man haircut.



Hairstyle of a man comfortable enough with his masculinity to look good.

Sit down, listen to some Jordan Peterson (pre-debate), clean your room and brush your teeth. Stop going on only fans. Get rid of your aunt's honda civic. Take pride in everything that you wear, everything that you do, and put your all into all of it. Did Myojin tap me out? Absolutely, he did. He tapped me out in a match that blew the roof off the place, and the stacchato beat of my hand drumming on the canvass landed with more grace than you've done since your mother rolled you out of her like a greased watermelon.

In any other circumstance, I'd mock anyone learning life lessons from a 20 year old, but this is an opportunity for us to share knowledge. Kicking those tic tac teefs out of your gums shouldn't be meaningless. This job as an assistant has already taught me so much, and I just wanna share the love. Lemme get off my pedestal though, just know after the match when I edge you up, you can come to the first aid room and I'll still print your posters. I'll still help promote your merch. I'll still gladly make you be the star of tomorrow. Just like Myojin, stepping into the ring with me can be your first step to superstardom!



Lil Petey's first step to fame, via Caden by way of skeet baptism.  

Do I know everything you've got in the booth or in the ring? Do I have some sorta master plan for when things get as weird as you look? Can Caden break out the konami code after a big loss? Can Young God survive overlooking his opponent?

All I know is this.

I had a bomb ass date with some chick that made me kombucha and kimchi who had shorter hair than lil Petey, and that's all you need to know about him. Issa wrap.