h i p hip H I P

Damn, Petey! Why are you like this??? WE HAD IT IN THE BAG!!! AND WE GOT ROLLED UP!!! I'm supposed to be the rollup master here! My rollups end careers! And the only thing that got ended was our shot at the tag belts. Pain. We lost to people named after a vegetable for god's sake! CELERY!!! Not even a good vegetable like carrots! Carrots are the most hip vegetable. Celery is the least. BOOOO CELERY! BOOOOO! What was the point of screaming at Sauce, for? You can see he's busy with something here! A match that we're trying to win! Come on! And we did not win. Well...the fans won. And that's what matters. Right? Wrong. WHAT MATTERS IS IF I WIN!!! And I didn't win. Bruh. How would you like it if I distracted you during your match??? You probably wouldn't like it. Or maybe you would. I don't know what you're into. Probably not that. But it's fine. I've taken some time on my brand new train, and I forgive you! I know, my forgiveness is a valuable thing. Treasure it. Pass it on to your children. Make it a family heirloom. But anyways. It's not fun dwelling on the past. Well if the past isn't good. And it's not that good! WE MOVE ON!

And who are we moving on to? Apparently this gladiator challenge thing. You know, when I sent that open challenge thing out, I didn't even know what I was getting myself into. Who knew that googling "cool tag team stipulations" would end up with me not knowing what kind of stipulation I would be getting myself into! Tornado tag. Whoa, spooky. Is there a hurricane tag? Or a thunderstorm tag? Maybe I should've picked one of those instead. But someone took the challenge! Someone felt like getting an ass kicking by Big Drip Productions themselves! I don't think they know what they're getting themselves into. A couple of newcomers, trying to make a name off the best rappers in the game! Don't you know how much rap music has to do with wrestling ability? It has a lot to do with it! The better rapper you are, the better wrestler you are. This is common knowledge, people! And we're the best out there! Sure, we lost that earlier match. But blame Petey. Blame him for everything. Your divorce, your high taxes, whatever. And I don't think these Mafia people are very good rappers! WHICH MEANS THEY'RE TERRIBLE WRESTLERS!!! Yay!...I mean...oh no, I wanted a real challenge. Darn...maybe next time. Yeah. Sure. Two toned mafia. What the fuck does that mean? We'll never know because they'll be too busy lying on their backs to explain it. But never fear! I know everything...except when I don't. Which is rare. I can explain it for them! So...mafia, you say. What kind of mafia are these people? Do they shoot people? Do they sell drugs? Well. As a man who knows everything, let's say that they sell drugs. Maybe I can get some before the match. Would that be illegal? It's not like they're enhancing my performance or something. My performance is already amazing. I don't need drugs to be the goat! But I want them. Is that so wrong? Maybe. But probably not. So what else? For a couple of mafia bosses, they don't look the part. Where’s their fancy hats? No mafia hats? I thought that was a thing. What about the italian accent? No italian accent either? Man, these guys must be shitty mafia bosses. Whatever.

The first person I see on this team is Lucy Sixx. When they say Two Toned Mafia, I guess she’s the super pale tone. Come on, Lucy! Go outside! Get some fresh air! How sad you have to be that you spend your entire life inside? HOW DO PEOPLE GET THAT PALE?!? What’s with PH and pale people? In two matches, there’s been a pale person in both of them. So weird. And for some devil daughter child, I thought your skin would be red or something. Or sunburned because of too much time down there in hell. Maybe you have really strong sunscreen or something. That’s a possibility too. Where do you buy sunscreen in hell? It must be expensive. But I dunno man, it seems a little fake. All that spooky scary shit makes you look like you’re trying too hard! Just chill. Relax. I swear, every other word that comes out of your mouth has some demonic undertones. It’s like if someone got locked in a Halloween store for a month. Did you get trapped in Party City as a child, Lucy? Did you trip and fall into the costume aisle at Walmart? Either way, you’re trying too hard to be some edgy demon child. How much do you spend on makeup per week? Is it the same amount you spent on plastic surgery? How do you find the time to wrestle in between all that mafia drug dealing and demon serving? And that devil cosplay shit too. You must live a busy life. But you should take some time to listen to Big Drip Productions! It’ll change your life. Maybe. Don’t worry, maybe you’ll get some time to appreciate the arts while recovering from the ASS WHI-...I mean...maybe just stay up a little later.

And then there's the other one! I guess she's...the normal tone? I dunno, man. I'm not an expert on tones. In this case there's two of them. And she's not the pale one. Cool. But unlike spooky Lucy, she doesn't give out much information on herself! Boooo privacy. Booooo. But I watched a highlight reel. Maybe it's because Sauce forced me to...but research is research. But to be honest, I didn't see anything special! Come on, Cecelia, mix it up! Whoa, a punch. Whoa, a kick. Come on, mix it up a little! Maybe...a punch AND a kick! I know, sounds daring. Or maybe...a kick and a punch! I know, you never would've imagined such a thing. But who knows, maybe those are deadly punches! I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. But let's get away from the wrestling side of things. How's your personal life going? Oh wait, we don't really know. Nobody tells me anything! You're dating or married or whatever with edgy Lucy. And... you're a tag team? And you're in the mafia together. Educational! Oh yeah, and you had some tragic...wait no. I'm too used to wrestlers having sad and depressing childhoods. Yours was pretty good! That's a first in this place. You had everything you wanted, all the shit you would ever think of was at your door. But there's one thing you probably didn't have! DID YOU HAVE A HIP TRAIN?!? I don't know, man. But I doubt it! I HAVE THE ONLY ONE IN EXISTENCE!!! Ha, suck it. Sure, it almost fell off a cliff, but at least it doesn't belong to you! MINE, ALL MI-...yeah, you get the idea. You might be all rich and stuff, but I have a hip train. That makes me a better wrestler. Sure.

AND THE THIRD TONE IS...there's only two tones. That was a test. Did you pass? Probably not. I'm tricky like that. Big Drip is the present. We own the music industry, the wrestling industry and the fast food industry too! Oh yeah, and don't forget about the train industry. We own it all. And we're about to own these mafia hoes! If you don't believe it, then we'll prove you wrong when we step in that ring…maybe. If we don't, forget I ever said that. I said nothing. Totally.